No Title Needed.

Well, I never thought I would say this but I wish it were 2020 again…

Since the last time I blogged, life got a little crazy on me.

Some good, some bad, some really bad.

I got myself a rescue pup – her name is Crosby. She has totally rocked Teddy and my world. She is so full of life though. She has brought new life into the family. She has a lot to learn and she turns 1 on the 30th. Can’t even believe that.

She is a total mutt and it very unclear what happened to her in her early life, but it is good to have a new addition to the family. I have been talking about getting a new dog for YEARS.

Thank you 2020 for pushing me to do that.

Work has continued to be from home for where I work. There was a chance that we might got back in late 2021, but with the delta variant… it looks like that might not be the case.

I personally feel totally OK with working from home. I like being able to multitask and also be able to be with my dogs all day. Or simply be able to walk out my door for 45 mins for a walk with the dogs and come back to work and not have it cause too many interruptions.

There are a lot of my coworkers that don’t feel the same, but I am OK with being at home. I would be happy to go in when needed and work mostly at home forever.

Now for the hard part…

In May, I lost my sister and best friend. Unexpectedly. It sent shock waves through my family and close friends. I have never in my life felt the kind of loss that I have this year. The sheer thought of not having Gina around anymore… it makes me feel like I will never feel whole again.

I have been pretty private about it. A few social media posts, but nothing that was very visual to most people. I still am in a place where I can’t quite believe it has happened. It has been 3 months since she has been gone.

It feels like a lifetime and also a blink all at the same time. The sense of duality has become very real to me. Every day I am feeling more than one thing simultaneously.

I think I have kept to myself about it because I don’t really feel like her story is mine to tell, but I will tell you that I do feel more isolated now, more alone now than ever in the midst of the pandemic.

There is something about spending every day of your life growing up with someone that will just make you feel so absolutely connected to them in the most indescribable way. Gina and I have been together since day 1. Always there, never a time where we weren’t there for one another from birth… until now.

The sense of losing that, not having your sister and best friend in the world anymore is a feeling I cannot ever put into words. I feel so lost.

I am lucky that I have people around me, many people, who support me. Ask me how I am. Make sure to let me know they are there and I am forever grateful. It is just hard right now to give a shit about anything.

Finding the motivation to care about work right now after that kind of loss feels… dumb. Who cares about work in the grand scheme of things? I find myself feeling apathetic to many things right now, which I think is normal but a very new experience for me.

I thought about coming onto the blog many many times, but could just never find the right time or the right words for how I was feeling… I don’t even still think I have the right words to describe how I am feeling.

All I can say is that I miss Gina every minute of every day and I hope wherever she is now, she is free from pain and doubt. Free from all the heavy bags she carried. I hope she is at peace. My heart breaks for her son.

My recent way of trying to cope with this monumental loss is to try and practice gratitude. Which is very hard when you feel low. However, I have noticed that even the smallest of gratitude makes you feel better.

Being grateful for as simple things as the weather being good or being able to walk in the morning… very simple gratitude have really helped me get through my days.

Anyways, that’s me for now. I think about this little blog spot all the time and maybe one day I will come back to being more consistent here, I know I said I was going to last year, but I am giving myself some grace that it didn’t.

Stay grateful my friends.

August 26th Moon Forecast = Waning Gibbous 84% illumination